Archive for March 2009
Ha, is this thing on? And if it is, is anyone still listening?
I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking of updating this thing more often. Let’s see how long my updates last this time before lapsing into a wretched state of abandonment. Maybe I just need to think of this more as a blog where I write about what I’ve been pondering lately, instead of something where I write “important stuff.” Wait, I never thought of my blog as where I would put “important stuff.” Isn’t what everyone writes on their blogs “important” at least to them? Otherwise, why write it down, right?
Lately, I’ve been finding myself surrounded by new and interesting people. Sometimes I feel like they are people that I’ve known all my life, and we just happen to meet at this point. No, that’s not quite right. I feel like the people I’ve met lately are people familiar in that “I just know we get each other” kind of way. It’s been nice to just get along with new friends like this, with minimal annoying misinterpretations and awkward silences. Maybe it also has to do with my being more open to new connections and friends. That kind of optimism certainly can’t hurt, can it?
Of course, not everyone is my secret soulmate, but perhaps in opening myself up more, I have found new friends in people that I might never have given a second chance in the past. Being a rather exacting and decisive person, I’ve decided to put all that aside when it comes to meeting people and give the relationship a chance to flourish before making a snap decision that it just won’t work out. I know that not all the seeds I plant in my proverbial garden of friends will thrive, but perhaps some of them will given the right conditions. It will have been worthwhile to put aside my own prejudices at the outset.
Where was I going with this? Oh right, new friends. I’ve made a bunch, and am also trying to make a concerted effort to solidify friendships among the existing ones. I’m not quite as good at this as I am at meeting new people, and I can’t really say why. I think I tend to think of old friends as people who will always be there, whether I see them fairly often or not, and that’s not the right way to treat someone who is important to you. I know I should make more of an effort, but here I am not quite making the grade. Ugh. Something to certainly work on.
Here are some other things that have been on my mind lately, just for my own safe-keeping. Maybe I’ll write about them at some point in the future, or not.
- I feel like Vlady’s reputation precedes me at times, and I don’t really like that.
- So, so wish I lived further up the Peninsula so that heading up to SF to see friends wouldn’t be such a bother, but I so adore living down in San Jose!
- If people think your photography is good, does that make you a good photographer? I’m starting to think not.
- I wouldn’t mind doing more modelling instead of shooting, but I just don’t think I could get many shoots since I wouldn’t get naked or semi-naked. Plus, I need to work on being more diverse.
- It’s hard letting go of insecurity, but it’s absolutely necessary.
- Being lazy is totally not helping me reach my goal of becoming a skinny b*tch. The laziness needs to stop.
- My heart feels full of love
- Lately, I’m most interested in becoming a chameleon
Do you know the best way to endear yourself to me as a photographer? Take my picture. Maybe it’s horribly narcissistic of me, but I really like it when photographers use me as their model. I like being told what to do, how to look, or just to sit and pose for them. Photos are memories for me, so if someone isn’t willing for me to take their photo (and yes, photographers are not so amiable when you turn the camera on them), then by god at least take my photo while you’re at it.
I may be a model trapped in a photographer’s body, but hey, I adore photos and most of the time, if there is no one else around, might as well tell the person you’re with to pose for you. Don’t be shy!
Last night I went out with R and C. It was the first time C and I have met, but we’ve seen each other’s work on Flickr through a group that we’re both members of (sorry, that was awkward sentence construction). She has a very dreamy romantic look to her photographs, and when she asked me to pose for her, I jumped at the chance!
I think it’s really interesting to see how different people interpret me as a model. I’ve seen various incarnations of myself: bad-ass, vulnerable, gentle, severe, etc. It’s interesting to see what people get.
She pushed her hair out of her eyes and sighed quietly. Squeezing her eyes shut against the wave of despair rising up inside her, she pressed her cool fingers against the backs of her eyelids. She missed him terribly, but she was the one who had pushed him away.
The sadness welled up inside her chest. There was no way things could have worked out, and she needed some time to just figure herself out and think. She couldn’t deal with everything at once and had to delete some of the variables. Surgical removal was the only way to go, quick and clean. Once he was gone, she felt empty; he’d taken part of her heart with him and left her with a bleeding empty wound.
Her eyes were tired of crying, her heart tired of aching. She needed the closure, but she also wished everything could have been different. Why couldn’t it have worked out? Why? She knew why, but it was hard to admit it. Decisions are hard to make, and she made the one that seemed to make the most sense. Sure, it probably wasn’t the best thing for him, but it seems like it may be better for her.
Of course, knowing that didn’t help her feel any better.