Five on Friday: Trusting heart edition
Sorta big news this week, but in a private sorta way. Just a personal triumph I might say, of being able to reach a point where I can find it in myself to trust friends with certain parts of my life that I don’t always share with the world.
1. Being able to trust
I was able to trust in a couple friends this week, and it made all the difference. My head’s been a bit noisy this week, but I think it’s settled for at least a little while and I think it has a lot to do with being able to find people I can trust and be open with.
2. The return of the Mister
I am so glad to have my Frannie back. He is so good at keeping the bed warm and cooking regular food for me (instead of a rather pathetic quick dinner of beer and a slice of butter toast or natto on rice). It’s been so comforting to have someone to hold me when I don’t feel so great. I so missed our close physical contact and find that I crave it when I don’t have regular access.
Man, I love my friends. I really do. Just this week alone, I’ve been overwhelmed by their kindness. A friend offered to buy me some cycling gear because I just need it and I haven’t gotten around to buying it myself. A coworker shared some of his home-brewed beer with me, because he knows I love the stuff. A friend let me work on his bike, teaching me to take apart the bottom bracket and do some other small maintenance work. Another friend extended an invitation to a weekly dinner he was hosting for his friends, since the Mister was out of town and my friend thought I needed some dinner company.
Such surprising kindness and generosity from others.
4. Personal contact
I have never been so appreciative of physical contact with others than this week. Going through everyday life, I find that I so rarely touch another person, other than a cursory handshake or brief hello-bye-hug. I have even felt a little withdrawal lately because I am used to more personal contact than I was getting with the Mister being gone. I’ve also felt so emotionally and mentally isolated lately, and that’s made the lack of physical contact especially difficult.
I treasure my friends who do have a slightly lingering hello-bye-hug, especially one friend in particular who always holds me so warmly and tightly when he greets me. Just this very simple gesture makes me feel so safe and loved. I have always appreciated his warm hugs, but even more so this past week when I’ve felt so alone. Recently I even discovered that another friend is completely willing to give me a hug; I only need ask, and I shall receive. It’s been a lifesaver.
5. And of course something on the bikey life, goddamn addict!
I’ve been riding my bike a lot lately (more so than usual). Whenever I need to release some stress, I go for a ride. I don’t go very fast, but I do like to ride up and down hills, feeling my heart pumping and my breath rushing in and out of me.
I especially enjoy nighttime rides through almost pitch black hilly parts of the Presidio. There is really something about quietly riding through the park, watching your friend’s blinky rear light disappearing around curves ahead of you. It’s just you and your friend, your bikes and the road. You don’t have to worry about a larger group, there aren’t many people on the road late at night, and it feels serene and wonderful.
It’s cold and windy and there are a lot of hills, but it is all worth it to feel so invigorated. I feel alive in those hills, pumping my legs hard to get up a hill, only to slide down on the other side, ducking forward to minimize drag, my hands gripping the cold metal of the handlebars. I feel capable, strong, efficient. I’ve been getting better at going up and down hills because I’ve purposely included them in my routes, just taking whatever route I’ve deemed best from the map, regardless of the hills ahead.
For the first time in my life, I really feel fit, like I could tackle whatever was ahead of me, and it’s such a strong feeling it makes me wonder why I never thought that I needed this before in my life.