A brief history in California, part II
And we fast-forward to the end of 2008 and beginning of 2009. I still don’t have a regular job, but I’m contributing as the chief writer for a photography website, writing short educational articles. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life yet, but I definitely want a regular nine-to-five job where I get to see the same people everyday. I find that despite having all the freedom in the world, I desire a more structured lifestyle.
I’ve taken a few photography classes, but decided to not go any further with them, as they are somewhat repetitive and the instructors are didactic. I begin to doubt my photographic abilities and desire to do something that I know I’m good at, perhaps engineering. The paycheck would be nice too. Yes, making money off something I’m good at would be really quite a nice thing again. Photography and art start to become a hobby in my mind, instead of a life pursuit.
During this time, I also realise that I have become highly allergic to wool, perhaps having something to do with moving yet again (there is supposedly scientific fact behind this). I stop knitting altogether. Besides, it’s too warm and I have just run out of interesting things to make and people to give my knitted items to.
Running becomes my main hobby in life, along with continuing to micro-manage everything I eat. I become more obsessed with food, my appetite waning as well as my voracity for life. A friend comments that my face is starting to look hollow, so I allow myself to eat a bit more than my usual spartan amount, but only enough to help fill my face back in again. I’m also not sleeping very well, and that probably contributes to the hollowness of my face. I try writing my ideas down, but sometimes it backfires and I spend the rest of the day spiralling out of control.
Somehow in the middle of all this, I also make a new friend, a guy named Darren. We randomly meet when we’re both out shooting in Alviso and exchange information so I can send him the portrait I took of him when we met. We end up influencing each other more than either of us think possible. We hang out a lot and he takes me places like this in San Francisco, where I take photos of a purple/pink/blue sky.
Near the end of this period, I finally start to appreciate the lack of a structured lifestyle. I search for peace, but it’s difficult to find and frustratingly out of reach. I yearn for more in my life, but I also know that it’s really not so bad as it is as long as there are people around me that I love.