Apathy, loneliness, and despair
Last night I decided to make a big pot of vegetable soup because the characters in my latest read (Murakami’s Hard-Boiled Wonderland and The End of The World) ate that for dinner. They also ate walnut bread with it, so I decided to go to the store and find some walnut bread. Luckily, I snatched the very last loaf of raisin walnut bread from the shelf and triumphantly took it home. I started on the soup, chopping lots of potatoes, carrots, onions, and mushrooms into a pot of water, tossing in a bay leaf, a mushroom bouillon cube, and some celery salt because we were out of real celery.
About an hour and a half later, I had a nice hot bowl of vegetable soup with slices of walnut bread.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I want nothing more than to go home, make myself a nice dinner, and then knit, read, or watch a film for the rest of the evening. I don’t want to go out to dinner with friends. I don’t want to meet anyone for drinks at the pub after work. I don’t even want to see people on the weekends unless they’re quite special to me. Well, I agree to see overly insistent people too.
I’m holing up like a bear going into hibernation, but it doesn’t make much sense because it’s springtime, the time of rebirth. The flowering trees are growing nice little buds, the birds are super loud each morning, and the suburban folks are turning their sprinklers on in the morning again.
This is supposed to be the time when I unfurl my social butterfly wings and get outside to enjoy the nice sunshine, but instead I just don’t feel like it. In fact, I’m feeling a bit annoyed with myself and my recent anti-social tendencies. I’ve always found this feeling so unnatural in myself, and yet I can’t do much to stop it.
Do you ever get like this, a particular time of year when you just don’t feel like dealing with other people? I don’t get this often, but I do often get it in the springtime right when the weather starts to warm a bit. I suppose my ice cold heart doesn’t want to thaw out just yet.