Where I’ve Been Lately
The blog has been quiet, and it’s because the headspace has been a little bit too confusing to even start to lay anything out in writing. Writing is how I get myself sorted from time to time, but I haven’t been able to even get hold of anything to start trying to unwind, so my thoughts have become more and more tangled to the point where nothing I wrote made any sense.
I started a lot of entries; obviously, I didn’t finish any of them.
So this is where I decide to start figuring everything out, or at least to wipe it all clean and start all over again, because I’m not even sure where to start.
I guess I’ll just start. And I’ll use "we" because it really does encompass the two of us, not just me and my own life.
We spent a lot of our energy working towards something, but then it dropped out of our reach, and now we’re figuring out how to fill the void, how to finish the mourning period. It sounds a lot more dramatic than it is, but it really is a kind of mourning. No one died, but it was the death of possibility that is what we’ve been working through. Throughout it all, we’re trying to remember that we have each other, that no matter what happens or doesn’t happen in the future, we have each other to lean on. We don’t both have to be strong all the time. We can let ourselves be weak if we need to be.
We’ve learned a lot about our relationship and about ourselves. That being open and honest, even if what you’re saying is disagreeable, is still the best way to go. That letting another person see your weakness is not a bad thing. That feelings don’t have to have reasons, and that sometimes it’s most important just to feel them and let them work their way through your system instead of ignoring them.
All that anger, fear, hopelessness… it has to go somewhere right? You can’t just let it sit and sit, while you smile on the outside and push it all aside to get on with your day. That’s definitely not the best policy because it only seems to hurt more later on when you do finally face things.
And so I’m wiping the slate. It’s my birthday today, and I’m going to look at the upcoming months as a new time. I could have picked any upcoming day to make meaningful. It didn’t have to be on my birthday, but as it is, my birthday falls fortuitously and therefore I will give it some gravity. Well, some gravity, and some lightness as well.
I still feel empty inside. For months, I’d put so much of my energy into something that I no longer have, so it only makes sense to feel sad about it, to mourn what could have been. I’m not silly enough to think that emotions go away so quickly, that feelings just disappear like wisps of smoke. It’s going to take some time to fill that void back up again, to figure out that the future is endless and just because one door closed doesn’t mean I’ll be stuck standing out in the hallway forever. There’s a path out there somewhere. I probably can’t see it now, but it’s there.
We’ll figure it out.